Musings on marriage
Marriage is like two people who legally mortage each other's independence then morally try to renegotiate it so they can make autonomous decisions.
A marriage requires just one-time consent to be binding, but how healthy it is is continuously determined by how fairly the two people involved are handling the renegotiation of their mortaged independence. This is why in my opinion, a healthy marriage should create interdependence and not codependency.
Psych Central defines codependency as when one partner’s needs are put above the other, while interdependency is when both partner’s needs are equally important.
In codependence marriages, there is always a jarring imbalance in the capacity to make autonomous decisions. This in turn creates a sense of dependence with the person overly depended on, controlling the balance of renegotiation. People say, marry a kind man or woman so they’d be fair in this control.
In interpendence marriage, even though both partner’s needs are important and acknowleged, the most exigent line of actions beneficial to peaceful coexistence are mutually taken when decisions are made. This could sometimes require both parties coming to an agreement after extensive consultation. At other times, it is an unspoken assurance in the capacity of either partner to take autonomous decision even if they carry shared consequences.
In spite of the stark difference between both kinds of dependency in marriages, one wonders why any prospective newcomer into the institution would settle for a marriage with someone without a fair chance of renegotiating their independence with. Here is a shocker. Human beings are wired to be dependent! Being dependent actually absolves from a lot of critical responsibilities. Think about it.
Humans are also very optimistic especially in their romanticism of marriage. A lot of lovers contract codependency marriage with the hope of somehow enjoying the perks of interdepence and vice versa. It sure does happen but not without struggle. There are also social media narratives of marital expectations that conflict realities and result in complancency.
However, whether codepency or interdependence, all married people are perpetually renegotiating their capacity to take autonomous decisions in an institution they legally consented to surrender same. It is more challenging given how realistically self-reliant human beings are becoming. But are we really self-sufficient? The numbers of people getting married daily suggests otherwise.
I am fiercely independent and I am married to a partner who is probably twice so. Making each other’s needs as important as the other’s is positively influencing the continuous renegotiation of our legally mortagaged independence to each other. I never forget that a successful negotiation requires compromise from both sides. It has to always be a win-win!
Yours in Fatherhood,
Instructed, as usual.